Daily Cognitive Intervention

Life consists in what a man [or woman]

is thinking of all day.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Giving Couples Counseling a Try

Over 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce. Second marriages have a higher likelihood of failure. Could couples counseling (marriage counseling) help you beat the odds when the going gets tough? Couples counseling can improve your relationship and communication, and maybe get you back on the road to a happier future.

Why Couples Counseling?

If you are seriously concerned about your relationship and wonder if it needs help, chances are it does. Research has shown that couples often wait many years after they first notice problems before seeking couples counseling. This makes couples counseling less likely to be effective, and it can take longer.

What Happens in Counseling?

When you meet with the couple’s counselor, you will share information, explore issues, and clarify the difficulties that you have faced. The counselor will encourage you to express yourself more fully and to listen more carefully than you may have been accustomed to doing in your relationship. Important questions will be asked about your communication, the time you spend with each other, and the pattern of closeness you experience – the moving toward and away from each other. All of this helps your counselor assess the duration and intensity of your conflict so mutual goals can be established.

Couples counselors often meet with clients individually to gather information about past relationships and life events. These experiences affect relationships and can give clues to strategies for change. “What will change or be different in your relationship if couples counseling is successful?” Answering this question can help you know when your goal has been met or when couples counseling should end.

You and your partner may participate in activities and communication exercises at home and in the sessions. The goal is to learn skills to enjoy the rewards of a

warm, affectionate, and supportive relationship. You will develop strategies

to use in the future if difficulties return. Support from the counselor will

help reinforce the changes you learn.

Common Problems and You?

Although couples are unique, few problems are new to couples counselors. Sexual issues, money problems, children and parenting issues, religion differences, in-law difficulties, and communication issues are common struggles. Infidelity and cheating, jealousy, balancing work and home, differences in goals and values, and concerns about compatibility all bring couples into counseling.

Who Provides Couples Counseling?

Couples counseling is usually provided by licensed mental health professionals who have experience and training in working with couples. Marriage and family therapists, clinical social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, pastoral counselors, and professional counselors may all offer services. Your HMO or PPO may have other options for struggling couples. But remember, if you must pay out of pocket, it might be worth it.

What if My Spouse Won’t Go?

If your spouse or partner refuses to go to couples counseling, it does not mean that your relationship can’t be helped. Couples counseling often starts with one person, with the more reluctant partner joining later. Even if your partner never joins you, it is still possible to make some significant improvements in your relationship.

Adapted from DFA E005 2007

A Matter of Trust

We have often pointed out that trust is essential in a healthy and growing relationship. And the single most important element in that trust is safety.

The need for physical safety is a given, but in emotional terms, how is that sense of safety damaged in our intimate relationships?

Obvious examples might include, physical violence and actively trying to tear down your partner with name-calling or other hurtful statements intended to do harm.

These examples are more likely to occur with couples stuck in a cycle of trying to "win" a disagreement, sometimes at any cost.

Less obvious examples are more often encountered, even in generally satisfying relationships.

Two of the more subtle forms are undermining and discouraging. Both are closely related and important to address.

A good analogy for emotional undermining occurs frequently when we are trying to lose weight and our partner brings home our favorite cheese cake.

A mistake is one thing, but a pattern of such behavior can be undermining.

Discouraging is well-known to most of us and can be intended to help us avoid trouble.

Reminding us of our limitations rather than our strengths, or focusing us on the difficulties of our life options, if consistently applied as a pattern, can be discouragement.

What to do about these patterns in our relationships?

Point these patterns out, how they effect you, and describe how you would rather have a partner express concern for you.

These often well-intentioned partners can be offended by an allegation of using these processes.

Maintain the effort consistently and tactfully and always tell them what to do instead for your sense of safety. And call us if you need help.

Live Well. Now.

More of Getting Started

The simplification of life is one of the steps to inner peace

- Unknown fortune cookie

When you think about what you want, what comes to mind? In this holiday season, most of us are likely to reel off a list of items that we desire to own.

Nothing wrong with that, of course, as long as we keep the Big Picture in mind.

What is the Big Picture for you? We encourage a focus on meaning and purpose and feeling good about your life.

Start with the basics as your foundation.

What do you say to someone who asks you, “Are you happy?” Most people would say things like, “Yeah, mostly” or “I guess so” or “Why do you ask?”

We all spend so much time trying to get daily life done that we lose track of the overall perspective.

Keep it simple. Knowing the basic elements of happiness for you, is the key to getting more of what you want at the core of yourself.

Consider the emotional issues you are coping with and how it is going with each. Keep it brief and to-the-point. Then, set that list aside.

Next, consider what is important to you and what you want more of in your life: love, peace, meaning, friendship, etc.

Then, consider what you might do to get more of these elements in your life. Again, keep it simple and focus on two or three elements you can do easily.

For example, if you love being in the water, resolve to go swimming more often. If you love to learn new things, resolve to take a class or to pick up a book (or laptop) and learn.

This is the beginning exercise that we should repeat often, just like physical exercise. Your answers may become most elaborate, but always keep them “do-able”.

This level of focus gives you the ability to plan to be successful with your efforts.

We say it often because it is true: do more of what you want and do less of what you don’t.

Are there life complications that make this a difficult plan to implement? Of course.

The point is to do what you can, when you can, to feed your core emotional needs.

You can do it and we can help.

Live Well.

How's Your Marriage Going?

Most couples have periods of marital stress from time to time.

Do you know when you need to address things directly rather than wait for them to improve?

Take a look at the article, "Why Some Long-Term Marriages End in Divorce" available at http://www.helpstartshere.org/. This is the website of the National Association of Social Workers.

Insight Associates is a psychotherapy practice of professional Social Workers with clinical, therapeutic licenses from the state of North Carolina.

Schedule an appointment in Waynesville or Whittier, NC, to help you resolve your questions about relationships and life.

You Can Do It!

Whatever you can do or dream you can do, begin it! Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now!

- Johann Von Goethe

Passive / Aggressive?

Take a chance! All life is a chance. The person who goes farthest is generally the one who will do and dare.
- Unknown Author

The old term, passive-aggressive, is not used as often as in the past, but it still applies to a lot of people.

The term refers to those who passively tolerate people and situations even though they don’t want to.

Their frustration builds until the blow-up or break-down.

This process is almost like flying on auto-pilot emotionally.

As usual, we have all either been passive-aggressive ourselves or watched someone who carried out this decision-making and behavior pattern.

It is usually a pattern of behavior we are very familiar with.

Maybe our parents have used this pattern and we have watched as it seemed to work for them; conflicts were avoided and family balance reestablished as long as someone stayed quiet.

Perhaps Mom or Dad had the role of always being right, and the other, always gave in.

Later, we might have been passive in tolerating an uncomfortable situation and then over-reacted in responding to a minor frustration; like dealing with a child or a fellow driver on the road.

If it worked in the past, why change? What are the pros and cons of this behavior?

The upside is that it works (to avoid conflict) and the downside is that it doesn’t work well enough (for our emotional satisfaction).

Ask yourself if this has become a habit for you.

Am I trying to avoid a conflict or confrontation that might occur if I said what I really think and feel?

We can all think of exceptions to the general rule of speaking openly and honestly (did you really like Grandma’s anise seed cookies?).

But, if you find that you swallow your feelings more often than you want, and then aggressively express your feelings in damaging ways due to your frustration, you need to change your pattern.

Recognize your pattern. Remain calm. Say what you think and feel, calmly and tactfully.

Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work perfectly. Recognize that it will take time to get into a new and healthier rhythm. Get a trusted partner to help you if you want or need one.

Stick with it. You can do this. We can help.

Live Well. Now.