Insightful Life

You Can Do It!

2008-03-18T10:46:00.001-04:00

Whatever you can do or dream you can do, begin it! Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now!

- Johann Von Goethe

Passive / Aggressive?

2008-02-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

Take a chance! All life is a chance. The person who goes farthest is generally the one who will do and dare.
- Unknown Author

The old term, passive-aggressive, is not used as often as in the past, but it still applies to a lot of people.

The term refers to those who passively tolerate people and situations even though they don’t want to.

Their frustration builds until the blow-up or break-down.

This process is almost like flying on auto-pilot emotionally.

As usual, we have all either been passive-aggressive ourselves or watched someone who carried out this decision-making and behavior pattern.

It is usually a pattern of behavior we are very familiar with.

Maybe our parents have used this pattern and we have watched as it seemed to work for them; conflicts were avoided and family balance reestablished as long as someone stayed quiet.

Perhaps Mom or Dad had the role of always being right, and the other, always gave in.

Later, we might have been passive in tolerating an uncomfortable situation and then over-reacted in responding to a minor frustration; like dealing with a child or a fellow driver on the road.

If it worked in the past, why change? What are the pros and cons of this behavior?

The upside is that it works (to avoid conflict) and the downside is that it doesn’t work well enough (for our emotional satisfaction).

Ask yourself if this has become a habit for you.

Am I trying to avoid a conflict or confrontation that might occur if I said what I really think and feel?

We can all think of exceptions to the general rule of speaking openly and honestly (did you really like Grandma’s anise seed cookies?).

But, if you find that you swallow your feelings more often than you want, and then aggressively express your feelings in damaging ways due to your frustration, you need to change your pattern.

Recognize your pattern. Remain calm. Say what you think and feel, calmly and tactfully.

Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work perfectly. Recognize that it will take time to get into a new and healthier rhythm. Get a trusted partner to help you if you want or need one.

Stick with it. You can do this. We can help.

Live Well. Now.

Living Fearlessly?

2008-01-04T10:19:00.000-05:00

Because you are in control of your life. Don't ever forget that. You are what you are because of the conscious and subconscious choices you have made.

- Barbara Hall

The other day I was driving an unfamiliar stick-shift vehicle when I had a choice of routes to my destination. One was slightly longer and easier. The other was shorter and more convenient.

But, the shorter route was also steep. And the thought went through my mind that I might stall the vehicle in the intersection.

I had done so while driving my own vehicle once (okay twice) and felt the humiliation of having others honk their horns at me to get out of their way.

As I had these thoughts of choosing a route, I was struck by how ridiculous this “fear” was. All of these thoughts, and the decision, took only 2-minutes at most.

All of this led me to wonder, how would you live if you had no fear of failing?

If you want to assess this question in your life you might consider the following:
Have you been successful more often than not in the past in similar situations?
What are the consequences of failing (stalling)? For me they were not that big (and I could deal with that potential for a small humiliation).
Do you need to face the fear? In this case I did; this was a small challenge regardless of the outcome.

This situation was small but it illustrated a much larger issue to me about how I think and assess my choices. If a tiny fear in a tiny situation was influencing my choices then how else might fear influence me?

We all have to continue to recognize our thought patterns and make conscious decisions that are right for us rather than be limited by fear.

What fear is limiting you right now? Considering what you want to consider for your life? Saying what you what to say? Thinking what you what to think? Living the way you want to live?

You might also ask yourself if you are doing something to prevent yourself from dealing with fear. This might sound unlikely but in reality it is very common.

Are you overeating, spending, drinking, drugging, focused on trivia, or just generally distracting yourself and avoiding the question?

Don’t let fear of any size be the determining factor in your life decisions. Author Susan Jeffers wrote a book called “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway”. That’s a good perspective for all of us to have.

There are rarely situations in daily life where we can truly “fail”. Even if we do, we get back up, learn from mistakes and go on to do it better next time.

Live Well. Now.

Happy New Year!

2007-12-31T10:05:00.000-05:00

What do you resolve to do for yourself in the new year? Resolutions are actually goals for ourselves. Personal fitness, financial and work-related goals are perennial favorites for most of us.

Keep resolutions reasonable and achievable to help maintain your motivation. They should also be measurable so you can see progress and know when you have been successful.

Reward yourself modestly when you reach your goal and then set another one.

Avoid dragging out a resolution that is too difficult, instead make a smaller goal and achieve it. Success builds on itself. You can do it.

Live Well. Now.

Kindness

2007-12-31T09:45:00.000-05:00

Be kind to one another- this is the Golden Rule of marriage and the secret of making love last through the years.
- Randolph Ray

Right for Love?

2007-11-21T07:54:00.000-05:00

Success in love is much more than finding the right person; it is a matter of being the right person.
- Unknown

Addiction in the Family

2007-11-21T07:34:00.000-05:00

We recently received a second call from the young woman dealing with drug and alcohol addiction. She said she was doing better but she also had ongoing concerns about repairing damaged relationships.

We wanted to provide some brief ideas to help her, and anyone else, cope with addiction and the effects on families.

Understanding these effects can help you make better choices.

Even loving parents often let go of their addicted child at some point, after years or decades. They might stop asking about your life because they are afraid of being given more to worry about.

They refused to give you money or a place to stay because you have abused their love and kindness in the past. You have given them many reasons not to trust you; a proven track record of distrust.

Addiction can make good people turn to lying and stealing from family members. Family members separate from you as a way to maintain their own emotional health.

Don’t let anger and frustration derail your efforts at recovery.

Accept that it will take time for them to even begin to trust you again. Focus on getting your life back on track rather than proving to them that you are trying.

That means your recovery has to be the priority in your life, even when no one is watching you.

The bitter reality is that an addict can spend years complaining to the family about how difficult recovery is so they don’t have to really dig in and do it.

We can’t blame others when they become fatigued while dealing with our distorted lives. We all have a limit to our endurance, even Mom and Dad.

Of course this is oversimplifying the process. Many pieces of the puzzle need to be in place to maintain a healthy recovery plan.

We need to recognize that life can always get better but we must make an effort to get there. The first piece is deciding to be responsible for your life and what happens to you from this day forward.

Ask for what you need; people want to help.

Live Well.

Life or Death?

2007-11-10T12:24:00.000-05:00

Do or do not! There is no try!
- Master Yoda

These following brief comments are related to a recent conversation with someone who is not a client of Insight Associates. She said she was addicted to drugs and alcohol and other behaviors as well.

She was most concerned with her damaged relationship with her family including her parents, siblings, and her own children. Her treatment history included stays at drug rehab facilities and occasional efforts at maintaining a counseling relationship.

When pressed for my opinion about her need to return to inpatient rehab, I said that it was a good idea, but another question was even more important. Are you ready to take charge of your life?

This is a simple question that many of us can make overly complex with ifs, ands, or buts. Our fear of change, and unavoidable consequences, help to keep us locked-in to unhealthy beliefs and behaviors.

For this young woman, the answer was tantamount to deciding if she would rather live or die. We hope she makes the healthy choice.

We all have the ability to begin anew by answering the question, "Am I ready to take responsibility for the course of my life?" The only good choice is also the most obvious one.

Live Well. Now.

Blue Cross Billing Changes

2007-10-30T09:22:00.000-04:00

We are unhappy to have to say this.

Yesterday, Insight Associates announced a change to our Blue Cross/ Blue Shield billing policy effective 10/29/07. We have received enough questions about this change that we would like to clarify the background for this decision.

In our blog entries, we have promoted an uncompromising perspective on attaining your goals. Having a clear vision about what you want, and don’t want, forms the basis for life decision-making.

We have always known that we wanted to focus on the personal relationships of counseling and coaching rather than the “business” of running a practice. The reality is that we must do both.

But, when we have to make a choice between maintaining the clear simplicity of our vision and growing the business, we have chosen to maintain the simplicity.

We will continue to provide billing services for our clients with coverage by the Crescent PPO insurance companies. Crescent is a locally operated PPO and they have been responsive to our needs and easy to work with. We are still an in-network provider with Crescent.

We are also still an in-network provider with Blue Cross/ Blue Shield; only the submission process for reimbursement has changed. If you would like to use your Blue Cross/ Blue Shield benefits for our services, Insight Associates will provide you with a superbill, with all of the necessary practice information, to forward to your BC/BS insurance company for reimbursement. This way BC/BS reimburses you directly rather than Insight Associates.

This change is an effort to continue to do what we love doing while still being accessible to our clients. We have seen this choice as being roughly analogous to shopping at a boutique versus a big mart store. We have chosen to maintain our small size and simple processes to allow us to focus on relationships.

The choice is always yours and we hope you choose Insight Associates.

Please call or email us with questions. And Live Well.

Blissed Out?

2007-10-29T11:54:00.000-04:00

I have no special talents; I am only passionately curious.
- Albert Einstein

Dr. Joseph Campbell made the now-famous statement, "Follow your bliss". Great advice, but how do we do this? It can be a life-long process to answer this question.

If you don't already have a clear path, the way to get started toward your bliss is to follow your curiosity.

Most of us have had the experience of being curious about something but never following through with it. Instead we might say to ourselves, "I'll do that when I have time". It might not be practical to do some of those things we would like to do.

How many of us have said things like:
I'd like to learn to paint.
I'd like to play the piano, guitar, etc.
Some day I'll read that book.
Some day I'll travel to that place.
Some day I'll get what I want.

The best thing you can do is to complete this line of thought by taking action. Complete something you feel passionately about.

Start small if you have to; write a short story rather than your epic novel. Or, write a letter to the editor of your newspaper about that issue that has been in the back of your mind. Bring it out; make it real.

I once worked in a nursing home counseling residents. When I told a resident that I would like to visit her home country one day she said, "Don't wait too long". I've never forgotten it; none of us should.

Live Well. Now.

Step-by-Step

2007-10-29T11:31:00.000-04:00

The path to our destination is not always a straight one. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn't matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.
- Barbara Hall

Someone once pointed out that we don’t wait for every stoplight on a street to be green before we drive ahead. We go forward when we have the opportunity and only stop if we must. This is a great analogy for achieving our life goals.

We often hear of people who have decided to move forward in their lives only when conditions are right. Unfortunately, this often means that they never get to where they want to go.

Waiting, without a plan, can result in frustration, hopelessness and despair. Eventually, this process damages our self-worth and our hope of being able to change our lives for the better.

If this happens, improving our lives becomes much more difficult.

Make a resolution to move ahead without waiting for stars to align or conditions to be perfect.

We are not advocating for reckless decision-making; good planning is essential. But, once you have made your plan, carry it out regardless of the obstacles.

Stop waiting and get started, one step at a time. Insight Associates can help.

Live Well. Now.

Choosing (To Avoid) Negative People

2007-10-12T07:23:00.000-04:00

We have all had friends who consistently irritated us with their negativity. Maintaining these friendships can sometimes reach a point of draining our energy or enthusiasm. If this is a damaging pattern you see in them, then you should evaluate if it is also damaging to you.

It can be easy to overlook their behavior by saying to ourselves, "That's just the way they are" or "They've always been opinionated". We often know these people from our personal history rather than consciously choosing them.

If their behavior continually taxes or batters us, then it is time to consider ending that relationship.

We are drawn those relationships that consistently give us more of something (energy, love, attention, kindness, etc.) rather than taking something from us.

This is a constant in the relationship universe; we have to get more out of it than we put into it.

If maintaining a relationship consistently costs too much (in emotional or other terms), then it will drain us.

We have all known a young person who dated someone that we thought was not a good match for them. That young person often learns that fact for themselves when the other person disappoints or hurts them emotionally.

A healthy process of understanding is to assess what happened in that relationship and then to adjust our choices to avoid those personal characteristics in the future.

Who are the "right" friends and partners for us? Those that increase our sense of interest or energy or feeling good about ourselves. And, this positive feeling continues to occur over time and more often than not. These people consistently provide support, concern or love rather than taking from us emotionally.

Consciously choosing our relationships is a large part of Insightful Living. We need to maintain those friendships / partnerships that help us live fuller and happier lives. And, avoid the rest.

Live Well (And Consciously)

2007-09-25T20:23:00.000-04:00

The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment; it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone.
--Orison Swett Marden

Polarized Thinking

2007-09-14T06:54:00.000-04:00

One of those cognitive distortions that can limit our happiness is called Polarized Thinking. This is a habitual way of thinking that puts life events into all-or-nothing terms.

It tries to put things into clear categories that are easy to deal with.

Most of us have known someone who has used this style. Sometimes this style works very effectively when used in a work environment. Managers who use this style are often seen as decisive and no-nonsense. Their co-workers know what is expected of them and they often try to keep up with the expectations.

In a worst case scenario, this person can develop a reputation as a “bull in a china shop” because of their seeming to be unconcerned about the feelings of others.

When used in our personal lives, polarized thinking, can make someone appear stubborn, inflexible, and unwilling to compromise. Conflict with loved ones is a common reason for us to begin to examine the limits of our thinking style.

Styles are neither right nor wrong. They simply require us to recognize them and make choices about using them rather than to be on “auto-pilot” with our emotions.

So is polarized thinking a skill or a habit? That depends on how much you use it to the exclusion of rational decision-making. Are you making choices about your life or are you simply doing what you have always done regardless of the facts and feelings involved?

As always the key here is balance. Use what works and avoid what limits your outlook. Insight Associates can help you identify and establish this balance; call us to discuss how.

Live Well.

Cognitive Distortions

2007-08-30T08:08:00.000-04:00

"Nurture great thoughts for you cannot go higher than your thoughts."
-- Benjamin Disraeli

Dr. Albert Ellis, the father of Cognitive-Behavioral psychology, identified some of those thought patterns that contribute to our continued good health and our potential illness.

He called these thought patterns, “cognitive distortions”.

All of us have used these statements at one time or another. What we have to ask ourselves is if we rely on them to the point of making them habits that limit our happiness.

Habitual ways of thinking limit our perspective and tend to keep us doing the same things repeatedly, for better and worse.

Next time you interpret a situation negatively, ask yourself if your conclusions are the result of habitual thinking or an objective assessment.

Having an objective partner to help you see alternatives and develop new, healthy styles of thinking can lead to a more satisfying life. Call us to discuss how Insight Associates can help.

We will identify the categories of cognitive distortions individually in coming blog entries.

Live Well.

Some Basics of Personal Growth

2007-08-01T08:42:00.000-04:00

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
- Confucious

Recognize the need for change.
Do you feel the way you want to feel most of the time? Are you generally satisfied with the course of your life? If not, do you want to make the effort to improve your life? Having a timeline for gradual and sustainable life change helps keep us on track to getting what we want.

Get started now!
If you know you need or want change in your life, then waiting only delays your potential for happiness. Even if you put off major changes for the time being, begin planning now to take control of your life situation.

Avoid negativity, in yourself, other people and even life situations.
Examine your beliefs about yourself and your life. Which buoy you and which weight you down? Consider changing those that hold you back.

Learn more about how you function in your life.
Notice what you say to yourself and others about the issues in your life and how you handle daily situations. Are you taking responsibility for what you can control or blaming others or leaving things to chance?

Find people who are living the way you want to live.
Note how others live well. What is it about how they live that you would like to emulate? You might find that one person has one aspect of what you want but someone else has another. That’s fine; no one person has the exact life you would prefer.

Get help from others.
Friends, family, clergy, organizations; anyone who cares, likes or loves you can help to some degree. If your current social resources are not enough or you simply don’t want to deal with them, call Insight Associates for assistance.

You can do it.
If you want more from life, try not to settle for less. There are always things we can do to feel better and enjoy more.

Don’t wait for life to happen to you; take that first step to go after your goals and live the life you choose.

Live Well.

Economic Empowerment

2007-07-23T12:55:00.000-04:00

One way for most people to feel safe is to have money in the bank. It allows us to get the services we need to maintain health and it promotes a feeling of control over our daily lives.

Personal finance might seem to have no connection to our emotional well-being but most of us have experienced the stress of not having enough at some point in our lives. We are more likely to feel helpless if we have fewer financial resources.

Get your personal finances under control to decrease stress. There are numerous books available as well as community organizations that help people regain control of their money. Your bank can also help.

The experts say to pay down credit card debt and save for an "emergency fund" to cover unexpected expenses. Then, learn how to invest to continue the process of economic empowerment.

Money doesn't buy happiness but it can help us to avoid desperation. Start small if you have to but get started today.

Live Well.

Harrahs Cherokee Casino Employee Health Fair

2007-07-18T08:28:00.000-04:00

We are happy to be a part of the Harrahs Cherokee Casino Employee Health Fair that takes place tomorrow, 07/19/07. Stop by our table to discuss what we can do to help you maintain your good emotional health. We hope to meet you there.

Live Well.

The Stigma & The Courage

2007-07-14T18:30:00.001-04:00

Fear is a question: What are you afraid of, and why? Just as the seed of health is in illness, because illness contains information, your fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if you explore them.
- Marilyn Ferguson

We have said in the Q & A section of our website, Insightfullife.com, that stigma represents a lack of knowledge about emotional processes and the benefits of getting assistance. It's true.

Additionally, people have different attitudes about asking for what they need, even from a spouse in many cases.

Many people have the attitude that asking for help is somehow bad or that it is too big a risk to ask for what they want.

It takes courage to confront our own beliefs about ourselves, and also to risk having others disagree with us.

Even if we are comfortable with asking for help, our fear of how others see us, can inhibit us, sometimes for years.

We can be overly concerned about the opinions of others who believe that asking for help is the last thing we should do.

At Insight Associates, we help you evaluate your attitudes about life, and one of the most important is simply to make decisions based on what is best for you, regardless of other's views.

You deserve to have the life you want. But it does take courage to do things a different way.

Avoid those who are unwilling to accept your healthy choices. Get the helpful assistance you need from family, friends and yes, Insight Associates at Insightfullife.com.

You can do it!

Live Well.

We're Back

2007-07-13T18:36:00.000-04:00

We have been away from our blog for some time now but we are back on track with more entries beginning tomorrow. Thanks for your continued questions and support.

Attitudes and Excuses

2007-06-22T12:26:00.000-04:00

The most inhibiting factor in getting mental health treatment is often our own attitudes about seeking assistance and being labeled with “needing help”.

Where have our attitudes come from? Why do we maintain our own roadblocks to a better life?

We can usually identify the reasons for our attitudes easily. Maybe we saw someone else’s difficult situation with a therapist or agency that didn’t go well. We might have been a part of a social group that emphasized self-reliance to the point that “needing help” was frowned upon.

Regardless of the reasons, we have to ask ourselves, “How do I get more of what I want, and less of what I don’t?”

We focus on starting from where we are right now and developing skills and steps to reach our goals. Developing goals often begins with the simple statement, “I want to live a better life.”

Identify your skills and preferences, no matter how insignificant they might seem. These form the foundation for your new life. Everyone has them, but we might not have tallied them up.

Next identify what you want. If you can’t do that easily then list what you want to be different in your life. This process provides a clear direction.

Also, list those people that can help you to reach your goals. Have at least one friend, family member or therapist or coach that believes in you and will help support you when you need it.

This simple process needs to be a regular part of our lives if we want to stay on track to a better life. Maintaining contact with a clear vision of what we want provides hope, clarity and inspiration for living the life we most want.

Live Well.

Your Good (Sexual) Relationship

2007-06-05T19:16:00.000-04:00

Maintaining your relationship is made up of many elements. Physical intimacy with your partner is one of the most obvious (and enjoyable) ways of strengthening your relationship.

Sex has numerous benefits for our physical and emotional health. In addition, it is an opportunity to express our love and commitment to our partner's pleasure and well-being.

Sex is a sensitive barometer of an intimate relationship. Among healthy couples, not having sex is usually an indication of a conflict. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a big conflict. An accumulation of small problems or old, unresolved issues can often result in decreased desire.

Luckily, most of these are easily remedied. It might seem unrelated but the better we are at resolving conflicts in our relationships, the better our sex life might be.

Our emotional health also plays a big role in our sex lives. Most everyone knows that stress, among other issues, is a major player in decreasing sexual desire. Taking care of ourselves emotionally will benefit our sex lives as well.

Can a relationship survive without sex? Yes, but we all need to get our needs met in our relationships. If we are not getting what we need, problems in our relationship tend to grow. And sometimes people begin to look outside of their relationships to get their needs met.

This is of course terribly, and often irreparably, damaging. Sexual affairs should be avoided at any cost if you hope to keep your relationship.

No, having a good relationship is not solely dependent upon your sexual abilities. And sexual dynamos might not always make good partners. But if you are healthy and in a good relationship, nature generally takes it's course.

Take care of your emotional needs (like decreasing stress) and learn to resolve your disagreements without maintaining an ongoing conflict to allow a enjoyable and healthy sex life to grow.

The bottom line on sex is; have it. Live Well.

Your Good Relationship- Bed Time

2007-06-02T07:00:00.000-04:00

Go to bed at the same time as your partner. It sounds easy enough, but many couples have different bedtimes.

This is not necessarily a problem, but going to bed at the same time has its benefits.

Not only does it support a designated snuggle time, but it helps to coordinate energy levels and healthy priorities like sleep.

And of course going to bed at the same time makes it easier for busy couples to have sex. Together you can put to rest all of the competing priorities of the day. Close proximity to one another is a necessity for intimacy.

Bedtime is a shared opportunity to be together in a peaceful and relaxing setting. You can live without a mutual bed time, but with all its benefits, why would you want to?

Live Well.

Paralyzed by Fear- Avoidance

2007-05-24T11:43:00.000-04:00

Feel the fear and do it anyway.
-Susan Jeffers

Many of us have doubts that prevent us from considering all of life’s options.

We might stay in unhealthy situations because we fear the potential outcomes of doing something differently might be worse than doing nothing at all.

But then frustration, anger, anxiety or depression can build up to further complicate matters. Now we have the original concern and another emotional layer to deal with.

Avoidance of consequences is an understandable and common way of dealing with daily life. We have all gone out of our way at some time to avoid pain, humiliation, etc.

This can become a big problem if avoidance becomes our primary method of coping with our lives.

Avoidance can take many forms; substance abuse, running away, lying, sexual affairs, overeating, and numerous other behaviors. These can all serve the purpose of helping to distract ourselves from making difficult decisions and taking difficult actions.

If our use of avoidance prevents us from living the life we want, the way we want it to be, then we are maintaining a roadblock to our own happiness.

Like the kid most of us have seen at Big Mart, gripped by a parent, who dances around to avoid the discipline he knows will be painful, we too can bend over backwards to avoid taking an emotionally painful hit.

Our emotional contortions actually make things worse for ourselves.

We encourage and teach our clients to address problems directly, deal with the consequences effectively and then move on.

Think of coping as being like a ship cutting through a large wave.

Don’t try to outrun problems, hit them head on. This process builds our confidence and helps us move forward in our lives rather than remaining stuck on one problem indefinitely.

You can do it. Live Well.

Thought-Stopping: Negative to Positive- Continued

2007-05-11T08:45:00.000-04:00

Change your thoughts and you change your world.
-Norman Vincent Peale

We have looked at ways to limit negative thoughts (in the form of negative self-talk) by recognizing them and then consciously telling ourselves to stop. This process is appropriately called “thought stopping”.

The next step is to choose a positive self-statement that replaces the negative. We always have a variety of potential responses available to us. Making the most useful choice for ourselves and then repeating it can help make this process second nature.

This step-by-step process can be practiced at any time and can lead to a less negative outlook when used with other cognitive techniques in a coordinated manner.

It takes practice and it's only part of the change process. If you are having trouble using this technique, a coach or therapist can help. Take care of yourself and your thoughts.

Live Well.