Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Relationship Advice: Your partner has to be willing to say anything to you

This is a follow-up to the recent post "You have to be able to say anything to them" from 05/15/2014. There were email questions about our individual efforts in a relationship.

And it was pointed out that what we do is only half of the equation. The other half is our partner's contribution.

What do we do if they are not participating in the development of healthy processes and a loving understanding with us?

It's a huge question.

It's disturbing to recognize that while we make our best efforts at improving our lives, the people closest to us may not have that same interest.

In a worst-case scenario they might actually be working against our happiness. But often, they are simply indifferent.

Its true that your partner has a choice to work with you in maintaining or improving your relationship.

And if they choose not to do so, your options are limited in responding to them.

How we care for ourselves is more obvious and it is often the only thing in our control.

Continue to make your efforts to better your life individually and share what you have learned, and share your enthusiasm too.

Talk to your friends and family who might understand. Consider joining a community that is also looking for healing and better ways to live.

If you choose to continue your partnership, make your personal healing your priority while helping others with their's and in that way your efforts can never truly be wasted.

Do your best to live well now

Email me if you need help


A Rich Update on the "Your Insightful Life" blog

I love writing for this blog and I love interacting with you as readers of it.

I've occasionally been asked to write longer posts and I have tried to do that.

But I have found myself delaying posting something to the blog if I felt it was not long enough or sufficiently interesting enough to make it worthy of posting.

This has resulted in my becoming more picky about what and how I write. And the editing process has become more tedious and lengthy.

I can now see my attempt to develop a better blog has been a limitation that I have placed on how frequently I can post. My own belief about what is a good-enough post has meant that I have posted less than I have wanted.

So I've decided that I will post articles of any length, even very brief ones, and include more information about resources to keep a more frequent schedule of posting to Your Insightful Life.

I am making an effort to counteract the limitations of my perfectionism, by being more accepting of how I write and what information I post.

It might be a little more raw or less-well formed, and I will try to be okay with that. I hope you can join me in looking at this effort as a whole, rather than as a hoped-for masterpiece post after post.

I'm always interested in your feedback so please let me know what you think and thank you for reading.

And I hope you choose to live well now, without limits


Saturday, July 19, 2014

Message from Rich: About my slow posting

Hello Dear Reader, I know I have been slow to get a post up this week although I have several written and in need of editing. I have been working with some stuff that will provide more posts but has been time consuming. I want you to know that I appreciate you staying with me anyway! Thank you for reading and for your patience when I am slow to post. My goal is to post more rather than less but i have obviously not reached that point yet. I am working to get all in place to allow that more regularly. Next post will be within a day or two. Thanks again! - Rich

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Fixing Your Life: Were You Raised in Chaos?

Some of us were raised in chaotic situations that led us to form certain beliefs about how life was supposed to work. If we have carried these into the future, they might be complicating our lives still.

We might have been raised in a family that gave us misinformation about the nature of relationships, the expectations we have for ourselves and others, how to resolve conflicts with loving others, and what our role is expected to be, and even what kind of life we might want.

What kind of families provided misinformation?

The ones with an underlying issue that was unresolved and acted out in the interactions of the family. These issues were based on their own painful past and used with you. It was all they knew to do.

For example, if you were raised in a home with an alcoholic or abusive parent, you might have learned to be vigilant to see what mood they were in when they came home from work. You might have developed the ability to start gathering information about this even as they drove up to the house. How hard did they stop and close the car door and open the house door? How hard are they walking thru the house? And on and on.

Your observational skills were refined by the need to assess people and to get in sync with them or even avoid them, to avoid further trouble. Laying low, staying quiet, and not doing anything wrong was a common approach to dealing with the anxiety of this type of home life.

But this is not the only approach of course. It is truly amazing the variety of possible responses to such a situation.

And these chaotic environments could be caused by any number of issues, not just alcoholism. Parental anger and disapproval are common issues too. But, excesses of any kind and the covering lies or other control measures used by our parents when we were children, can make our current life more difficult than it needs to be.

If this was your childhood environment you have to ask yourself, “do my reactions negatively affect me now?”

The answer is often, “yes”.

If you are still using this old approach with others who have shown no reason for needing it, you might be limiting the possible growth of your relationships. Limiting your possibilities for happiness.

It served you well in the distant past, but its not how you want to live now.

What to do next?
Recognize that you are open to seeing what happened and how it affected you.
Recognize that you are free to make conscious choices that are healthier for yourself.
Notice when you are simply reacting rather than making a choice about how to respond.
Make a new and more adaptive choice that fits with your values.
See what happens.
If it is a better outcome than you might have expected from your automatic reactions, consider doing the same process next time.

It is easier said than done. It takes repeated practice. It takes patience.

If you were raised in a chaotic environment, and you believe it might be limiting you now, try to make conscious choices. This is responding rather than reacting automatically.

Let me know if you need help.

You can do this. Live well now.

- Rich