Thursday, May 21, 2015

COUPLES (AND FRIENDS) COMMUNICATION: THE BIDDING PROCESS IS KEY

The process of communicating with anyone is built on a series of individual expressions of interest in connecting with us. We must recognize these expressions, also called bids, to connect and then respond positively to them, if we want the connection to grow.

Think of the last time you met someone that you really liked instantly. Maybe you felt like you already knew that person. Something about the way you both communicated was inviting.

It might have been their level of interest in you.

One of the first things we notice is when someone invites us to connect with them.

This is true when seeing your long time friend or when you are meeting someone for the first time. They either are interested in connecting at that moment or they are not.

In a casual social setting that might look like them smiling at us, making eye contact, reaching out to shake hands, and possibly speaking in a slightly higher tone of voice.

We might feel the warmth of their interest emotionally. All of this occurs naturally and without our noticing anything but their interest.

They are clearly interested in connecting with us. And these individual efforts add up to a chain that pulls us closer, if we respond to them positively.

Even our long time marriage partner can choose to respond to our bidding process with enthusiasm or indifference.

Do they respond quickly and kindly or are they slow to respond? Do they seem irritated to be asked to connect?

These can be indicators of a persons level of interest in communicating or a persons level of recognition that this is what we need.

Often, they do not recognize the bidding is occurring. And it is a necessity.

Very often, an unresponsive spouse does not recognize that these bids are important. They can even joke about the need to constantly reassure their partner.

If they do not take the bids seriously, over time, resentments can build as one feels the other refuse to connect.

Positive relationships are built on positive responses to our bids. And the quicker the better, in general.

And we are all different in what type of bid is important to us. A lengthy conversation or simply choosing to be in the same room can be viewed as a satisfactory response to a bid.

This process works much the same way in all of our interactions. The individual efforts might change but the intent is always to connect. Or to give the signal that they do not want to connect.

Think of your dearest friend. What are some of those things you like best about them?

Very likely one of those things is that they respond to your bids to connect quickly, consistently, and positively.

In fact, why would we want a friend that did not?

Be aware of your own bids you send out and how.

If your partner does not understand the importance of responding to you, tell them how you feel.

Explain the process and ask them to help make the relationship better by responding to you.

Our connections with others are usually the foundation of our personal happiness. Maintaining them needs to be a conscious effort.

Bidding is a basic, yet critical process that either builds a relationship or allows it to decay.

Depending on how we and others respond.

In general, we like people who like us. And they display that like by a willingness to connect.

We all send out  individual bids, or offers, to connect. Just as I am by writing this post.

Others then choose to  respond to them positively and consistently if they want the connection to grow.

Let me know what you think. Go use this to live well.

-- Rich

Rich@RichPanther.com

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Living Well: Every Day is the Time for Courage

It's not just for crisis or war or conflict. Courage is to be used right now. It can help propel us thru issues large and small. But we may have to remind ourselves that our courage is still there.

Everyday life can wear us down if we are not caring for and renewing ourselves.

Even if we are doing all the right things, we will be forced to confront all of life's challenges.

All those fears we thought were long behind us, due to our age or social standing or whatever. They have faded over time.

But They can arise, often surprising us. And we will face them. There is no alternative.

But this time will be different. We understand how fear affects us. We will not automatically react to it again as we might always have.

We can make conscious choices about how to cope with it. And our courage is often what provides us with hope to continue forward.


When we get beaten down, We can get into a role of feeling victimized by life. And this can become a habit of a kind.

This is a dangerous thought to believe as it can lead us to despair and hopelessness.

But stop this thought immediately and see it for what it is. It's just your fear. Like a well-known person in our life that can only complain about the state of things without taking action to change them.

That is fear. And we all have it. About something or other. But you are not your fear.

Use this awareness to take heart and use your courage to face it.

Courage is for you to use right now. It is not just for extraordinary situations. Or
amazing people. It is for you to call on today.

Know you are not your fear and it is not you. Watch the fear when you meditate on it. The black cloud of fear will dissipate.

And you will plan and choose and take action to move through it.

You are as courageous as anyone who ever lived. Or anyone you ever saw do something amazing or wonderful.

Get used to connecting to your own courage and use it daily to do something important like changing that distressing thought or changing a bad habit. Or connecting to someone. Or saying what you need to say. Or confronting that limiting belief you have held for so long.

Exercise your courage and use it to save yourself from deepening troubles and you are helping to save the world.

You are courageous because you are human. You are one of us. And you will use your courage to do something special today.

If you choose to do so. Now. Go live well.

And let me know how it went.

-- Rich

Rich@RichPanther.com